Afraid

I'm sitting here at work wondering if I've always been afraid.

I always felt like I was such a "go-getter"...never accepting defeat and getting and going anywhere necessary to make me happy.

Today...and lately...I now question that about myself. All I do is think these days.

I guess I'm afraid of hurting. Hurting someone else especially. It makes me sick to my stomach.

I've always hated disappointing people...so I usually asked an opinion and did what they said...but what about when you have a bunch of different people telling you something...what do you then? Not everyone can win. Not everyone can be satisfied. They say, "Katie...do what makes YOU happy. Do what YOU want." Pssshhh like I know what that is.

I'm so mad at myself it's ridiculous. So I'm trying to face the fear. I don't want to wake up every morning and hate my life.

Don't get me wrong, there are (and were) some great people in my life. Who love and support me and would do anything for me.

I'm sorry if I ever worry anyone, hurt anyone or make any one mad on this new journey I'm taking. As you've read before, those are things I hate most and what has held me back this whole time.

I gotta find who I am. I gotta stop being afraid. And those who really care will be there when I figure it out.

"God Katie you're an idiot and a wimp" is all I keep thinking. Just DO something already. Stop waiting for it to just present itself. DO SOMETHING! I yell this at myself, yet here I sit like some child crying at her desk...wanting someone else to do it for me, yet knowing that's not how it goes.

WHY can't I take this feisty and tenacious personality and apply it to the things I'm scared of?To get what I deserve? Who freakin' knows...but I do know I'll figure it out.

Wow, this is not one of my better posts. But I had to write something or I'd blow up. Seriously. Like my mom's blog said "Cowboy Up".

Katie...cowboy up.