Buck #2

Killed this a few weeks ago...had an absolute blast!! It's not as big as my first one, but it'll do :)

ME

I've learned a lot about myself this year. Some things I've learned:

I'm stronger than I thought

I'm not crazy

I'm different, but in a good way

I'm pretty smart

I'm STILL really impatient

It's okay to be stressed or emotional...just keep it in check

I need to think of truths when I'm anxious or worried

I'm growing up...still

I'm okay with being alone

I'm special

I'm shouldn't ever make excuses or apologize for who and how I am

I'm not as difficult as I thought...anyone who thinks otherwise can take a hike

I care...a lot

I'm learning more about how to make decisions solely based on what I want...not what I think will make others happy...not as easy as it sounds. hardest thing probably.

I'm more relaxed

This has been a year of revelations, unexpected events and digging deep into who I am and how to deal with things life throws my way. I will always be learning, but this year has been adventurous and, overall, a success...especially compared with the past few years. 2005-2010 were low low times in my life. 2011 has been a break through year for me personally. I'm grateful for the support of my family and few friends, my counselor and my determination to finally climb out of the spiraling pit I was in. Thank you Lord. And may I continue to find confidence, strength and independence within myself.

All American XC

Crying Wolf

One of the most interesting videos I've seen and something I think is worth backing up. THere are few things I have a passion for, but this has my vote for sure. Click to watch the short film: Crying Wolf.

It has certainly opened my eyes.

“A different way of thinking has emerged in our country and is becoming ever more prominent in our governments and the rest of American culture. This philosophy, known as environmentalism, is now at the forefront of our decision-makers brains and is constantly shaping their thoughts and policies. It was in this mindset that the decision was made by the United States Fish and Wildlife Service to transplant wolves from their homeland in Canada and release them in Yellowstone National Park and central Idaho in 1995 and ’96. The agency, along with many environmental and animal rights groups, praised the decision: it was almost as though they were triumphantly heralding the return of some unjustly banished royalty. But their real triumph was that, by elevating animal over man once again, they were given access to tens of millions of dollars and greater control over both private and public property. You see putting wolves in Yellowstone was never about saving wolves or balancing ecosystems. There was another agenda. One they would not reveal to the American public, but would see through, no matter how far they had to bend the rules, no matter how much they had to steal, no matter how bad they had to lie, no matter the cost. And… they did it. What’s done is done. And nobody has ever looked back since…

…Until now.”

Decisions

I have a feeling that this next year is going to be full of new things, changes, surprises, stresses and new frontiers. I'm excited for what is up ahead of me, so in the present I'm just trying to relax, take care of what I need to and prepare my head for my adventures moving forward.

I'm oddly calm this week (except when the Rangers game is on). I've been full of thoughts but not overloading myself. Taking it pieces at a time. My migraines have also kept my brain from thinking a lot! Though i'm nervous for the changes I'm a more confident person.

This blog post seems pointless but just thought I'd write that I'm calm and ready to venture into life yet again. God give me guidance!

iLove

"No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true. Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." -Steve Jobs

Well said SJ, well said.

Home

My apartment is starting to feel more like home. I moved to Dallas almost exactly a year ago. What a crazy year. When I moved into my apartment in January I had all these great ideas and visions of what I wanted it to be like. But with limited funds and not being there very much, fulfilling that vision has been quite a task. Well slowly but surely I'm getting the pieces into place and adding those things that warm up the room and bring it life. Makes me even happier to come home and feel like HOME. I haven't been in a place that felt like "home" since I was in high school so this is such a great feeling.

I need to get a few things set up on my patio still and still need more art to warm up the walls (esp in the bedroom) but happy with the progress. Got some pumpkins yesterday so I can get in the fall spirit. Happy Fall.

Patience

I think patience is something I'll have to work on for the rest of my life...It's never been my strong suit and never will I don't believe. I'm ready to live my life. I know some of the things I want, now I got to wait and see if that's what God wants...waiting...waiting...what a horrible word! Learning and doing a much better job at taking each day at a time and enjoying the moments and and life I have RIGHT NOW.

It was cloudy and looked like storms were rolling in this morning...after a sprinkle the clouds are moving out and that STUPID HOT SUN is coming back for another 100 degree day!!! I like warmth but the Jeep and I aren't friends right now.

I don't get to see my man this weekend but getting a chance to hang out with some girl friends and a shopping date with my mom so I've got things to look forward to.

Hope this work day goes by fast.

Thought for the day: ENJOY THE GOOD THINGS GOING ON NOW! IF THERE ISN'T ONE, FIND ONE!

I want to love and enjoy this time of my life, it's suppose to be my greatest! 25, young, career and life is beginning...why didn't they tell you how hard it was to begin! Optimists tend to leave out those details!

Anchors

There are a few people in my life as I've moved around from state to state, school to school, life to life, job to job, who have been my anchor. They are people who make me smile (sometimes cry) and get me through all that life throws my way.

Momma C Bee

I am just like her. Except she's stronger lady than I am. She's just not my mom any more, we have grown into best buddies. We're stubborn and sensitive and competitive, but that means she gets me in every way. It's comforting to know I'm not alone. I love my mom and I love that we're so much alike.

Dad :)

The kindest, most patient man on the planet who would do anything for his family. I wouldn't be anywhere without his encouragement and positive outlook on life. I'm a daddys girl and love watching sports with him and talking to him about anything under the sun!

Cortny "Beef" Bates

My sis...we didn't always get along when we were younger but that's probably because I was wicked annoying! She's a great listener, so creative and always giving me good ideas and encouragement to live life to the fullest. Love you beety. Ps...she'll be mad about this pic but I barely have any recent ones with her and I made sure we both looked a little goofy... :D

Timbo Slice

He must be a magician because he knows how to disappear!! ;) STILL through everything we've been through and how different we are, he's still my best friend and the person who's been with me through all my moves and a quiet warrior in my life. Sometimes we look at each other, utterly stumped, and say "I don't get you!!!!" But we laugh and know that's just the way life is! My brother is a genius and I'm proud of where he's going.

Ms. Aylor

True friends can be found and I found one in Kourtney Aylor. Though we live in different states and got off to a rocky start, she has been there for me the whole time through these past few years. We are both feisty and expressive and super passionate people. We have so many similarities and have found a way to keep contact even with our hectic schedules. She's a great friend and a true competitor and someone who challenges me and makes me smile. Thanks Kourt.

Love

The love of my life. We've been through so much together and so much apart as well. After moving away we somehow found our way back together. Though relationships can be stressful and a lot of work (especially a distance relationship), he makes me laugh, smile and enjoy every second with his stubbornness :) He challenges me and loves me just the way I am. Though we don't get one another sometimes and we are totally different, we connect so well and find joy in a lot of the same things. Love being with him and he would do anything for me.

I do have other great friends and family members that I adore and bring me joy in life but just wanted to highlight some of them. I couldn't get through this journey without them and without those who support them as well. Thank you and I look forward to every moment with all of you as this life of obstacles and wonder continues.

Is Something Wrong

From time to time I feel like there is something wrong with me...I know people close to me have heard me say it. Each time its heard, it is denied. According to those I love there is nothing wrong with me...it's just a part of who I am. Feeling overly sensitive, overwhelmed, out of sorts, too emotional...that's part of me. I should believe those who deny there's something wrong because these people know and love me best.

BUT I still feel that way, and isn't that what matters? (That's not ALL that matters but how I feel and think about myself is important). I go through times where I feel stronger and less anxious than ever, then it comes roaring back like a tidal wave. And I've been knocked down a few times. I envy the people who can separate feelings from reality, or those who can become numb to a situation or feeling. It must be so nice to get away from a feeling you don't want or a feeling that isn't true. THEN I think...well that wouldn't be me at all if I wasn't sensitive...would having those "gifts" of separating emotion make me a different person entirely? From what I've heard, that's one of the reasons people are drawn to me...I'm very animated, sensitive, thoughtful and energetic (because that brain of mine is always cranking 24/7). Then again, it can cause people frustration and, more importantly, ME frustration!

I don't really want to change myself because of what other people think or how they react, it's more that it's so tiring having so many doubts and emotions tied into what I care about most. I HAVE learned to drop things that don't concern me or that aren't my burdens to bare, which has been a great blessing, BUT as I've said before, I'm a work in progress. I think everyone should be. I mean, yes, if you like who you are GREAT, but there is always something to reflect on, right?

So the consensus...is there something wrong with me? Probably not, but that doesn't mean that I don't get frustrated or feel that there is sometimes. I don't want to feel like dying when there is a bunch on my plate...obviously not a great feeling. I need to learn to be dependent on myself, not other people or things to make me happy and I think THAT is where I'm struggling. Yes, people I love should be nice to me and it should bother me if they aren't, BUT it shouldn't ruin my life or even my day...yet it seems that way sometimes.

I apologize for those who hear me say negative things about myself. It's sad and yet another thing I'm working on. I'm way to hard on myself.

Another realization...I say "I, myself, me...etc" a lot. All this year I've been working on being a better me...and that's causes a little self absorbency. Hopefully, I'll work myself outta that tendency.

I've had a lot on my mind, especially since my grandma passed away and work is slow. I just pray for peace and patience. I want to love this time of my life!

Love and Fear

"Don't be afraid to fall in love, it's the only thing that matters in life. Fall in love with as many things as possible."

I heard this on a movie the other night and paused and rewinded to catch it again...the movie had a horrible ending but that's beside the point. I love this quote. It's so easy to be scared to fall in love, whether it be with a person, an idea, a passion...it's scary because the feeling of love is so strong and passionate that if it goes away or is taken from you or lost, it hurts more than we can imagine. It's scary because a lot is unknown...uncertain...uncharted waters. BUT the other side of loving someone or something is that it can bring you more joy and elation that you ever thought possible. It's like you never want to come down from the high it gives you.

I liked the fact that it said fall in love with as many things as possible...life is so short, so unscripted and unforgiving that the love you have for things and people or ideals is what keeps us moving on each day...the loss of them can also stop the movement of life it seems though.

Love is scary, no matter where it's placed. It's hard. God, a boyfriend, husband, a friend, a career, a hobby, a political stand....it all requires so much effort on your part to love something, it's so much of yourself.

Love hasn't always been kind to me...especially since I tend to dive into the few things that I truly love and value...its not always reciprocated or giving back as much as I'm putting in. It's very rare to find a person or thing that gives back what you put in...but thats what you search and strive for in life isn't it?

Love is worth it. Scary as hell and not always kind, but fight for what you want and realize when its not best for you and to move on and don't get down when love fails...I've had to tell myself that before.

What a great quote from a horrible movie ;)

Time waits for no one, take control of your life and your love and your heart.

My Life Is In OverDrive

Mentally exhausted but love my friends, bf and family.

Work has been insane. Life's complexities are at a high. I'm figuring out what I want and what I have to do to get it.

God grant me patience and clear head.

Missing the Lake

Definitely missing the lake and going fishing. Haven't been in over a month. Losing my tan and that's depressing! I know I'll be going Labor Day Weekend but hopefully before then. Wanna be outdoors but we're day 32 with 100+ heat here in the Dallas Metroplex. Crazy.

Need some cold beers and good pizza or a nice frozen margarita or some pinot grigio. Can't wait til it's cool enough to sit on my porch and enjoy the evening air. I'll regret saying that when I'm freezing my a** off in a few months. I hate being cold.

Blessed

I'm a very blessed person. My family and I have perseverance and using that to reach down to the deepest depths to find strength in this heat, economy and time in life. But Stepp's are competitive and will fight! I love my family, the few friends I have, the boyfriend and the fact that I wake up breathing and HEALTHY every morning.

We make what we have of this life and I tend on being happy, fulfilled and at peace as long as I can.

Going out of town this weekend and sipping on a carmel iced latte...one of life's small treats. I have no ac in the jeep but the doors are off and I'm jamming anyway. Work is quiet and I'm staring at the clock...1 more hour.

I doubt i have any followers anymore, but this is more to just write what I'm feeling.thinking.

Have a great sunny (hot) friday and a fabulous weekend.

I Forgot I Had A Blog!

Not that anyone reads this thing, but I totally forgot I had a blog!

I'm not even sure what to write about. Life has been so crazy lately with two jobs, traveling and family.

I've been doing a lot better. Not as anxious anymore, smiling a lot and busy as ever. I wish I had more down time, but got to make that money for now.

Sometimes I feel like I'm so far behind in life...I see everyone around me getting married, buying a house or traveling the world. Yes, I've done a lot in my life, but it just doesn't seem to be going like I thought...guess God has different plans for me. I've made a lot of changes in my attitude and routine, and I guess everything else will just fall into place when necessary. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing something wrong or not listening to what I should be doing, I don't know.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy, just in deep thought a lot lately on the progress of my life. I'll be 25 in June...I feel like things should be rolling.

Nevertheless, I'm 100x better now than this time last year...last year I was a wreck. I'm just ready for something to not be so complicated. Sigh.

New Crib

Here's some pictures of my new place so far. And just got a new entertainment center moved in, so the living room is almost done!

The "Finger" to January

Yeah, I want to give January the finger. Wrecked my Jeep, got a new one....that proved to have some issues.

Good news, my new place is shaping up quite nicely and the Budget Blinds banquet was a blast!

Also good news, January is almost over.

I would post more pictures, but in the move I've lost my camera cord so...yeah.

Phew, 2010 is Over

New Year, New Life, Changes.

I move into my new place today, pretty excited! As I decorate and get things into order I'll post pictures.

2010 sucked to say the least. And, so far, January has been less than inspiring...BUT I've already got some new things on my plate and looking to better myself and resolve issues from the past. This year is about me figuring out who I am and what I want and starting a life for myself (though it will take longer than a year to get all this lined out!).

I go forward tentatively (which isn't like me), but moving forward nonetheless. I hope there are more ups than downs this year and I'd love to be more content with who I am and what I stand for. People are saying "this is your year"...I sure hope they're right.

So, Cheers to 2011 with a "half-smile" on my face. Buckle your seatbelts, here goes nothin'...