Me v. Me

"But the treasure in disappointments is that they serve as opportunities for me to get my heart right."

I swear it feels like I'm bipolar sometimes. I go from being really happy and on top of the world, to just down right sad and unhappy. I don't think I've smiled once today and if I have, its been fake. Is it me? Or is this just how life is? I just want SOME sort of consistency will my feelings, relationships, and all around demenour. Maybe that's too much to ask with my personality. I try SOOOO hard to keep it cool, and yet inside I just want to explode and lash out.

Life is so short and unfair sometimes. It's almost cruel. Sometimes I wonder why does God have us go through this "game" of life. Yes, hard times and short comings bring you closer to Him, but seriously...it just seems like a downright retarded joke sometimes. It doesn't make sense! Maybe I'm just not looking at it right, I don't know.

I've had numerous talks with my parents about these random thoughts and feelings. I wish I was more like them...they have a much brighter, more positive outlook on things than I do.

Sometimes I just want to stop hoping, stop trying so hard, stop worrying, stop waiting, stop getting my spirits/hopes up for something good and just stroll along life's path. Unfortunately, my personality doesn't cater to that idea. But my dad says to NOT stop hoping, to look forward to those good things that happen and that I have so many exciting things ahead of me. Well the past few days it hasn't felt like it, but knowing me, a week from now I'll have some blog or facebook post stating how happy I am and how great things are.

I've just been thinking a lot lately and sitting here at work needing to get something typed out before bursting into tears, which I want to do so badly for some reason. I get SO annoyed with myself and wish I was different sometimes. Being sensitive and highly tuned into feeling and emotion isn't that great all the time.

Ever argue with yourself? I do it all the time, telling myself to chill out, calm down, shut up, smile, give up, etc etc. My brain never shuts up lately.

All I want is balance and consistancy. Something that makes everything right with the crazy world, where people die young, people change their minds, people hurt one another, lies, disappointments. I should probably rely on God more for this stability. That's for sure. But I'm struggling to do so.

What's Cracka Lackin'?!

I work 14hr days and don't get much sleep and have a lot to catch up on, but when I get home at 1015 at night I'm singing and bouncing around....how....I do not know.

I do know that I'm happy and things in my life are going in a good direction. I'll be out on my own again soon and I'm blessed to have some great people in my life.