Home

My apartment is starting to feel more like home. I moved to Dallas almost exactly a year ago. What a crazy year. When I moved into my apartment in January I had all these great ideas and visions of what I wanted it to be like. But with limited funds and not being there very much, fulfilling that vision has been quite a task. Well slowly but surely I'm getting the pieces into place and adding those things that warm up the room and bring it life. Makes me even happier to come home and feel like HOME. I haven't been in a place that felt like "home" since I was in high school so this is such a great feeling.

I need to get a few things set up on my patio still and still need more art to warm up the walls (esp in the bedroom) but happy with the progress. Got some pumpkins yesterday so I can get in the fall spirit. Happy Fall.

Patience

I think patience is something I'll have to work on for the rest of my life...It's never been my strong suit and never will I don't believe. I'm ready to live my life. I know some of the things I want, now I got to wait and see if that's what God wants...waiting...waiting...what a horrible word! Learning and doing a much better job at taking each day at a time and enjoying the moments and and life I have RIGHT NOW.

It was cloudy and looked like storms were rolling in this morning...after a sprinkle the clouds are moving out and that STUPID HOT SUN is coming back for another 100 degree day!!! I like warmth but the Jeep and I aren't friends right now.

I don't get to see my man this weekend but getting a chance to hang out with some girl friends and a shopping date with my mom so I've got things to look forward to.

Hope this work day goes by fast.

Thought for the day: ENJOY THE GOOD THINGS GOING ON NOW! IF THERE ISN'T ONE, FIND ONE!

I want to love and enjoy this time of my life, it's suppose to be my greatest! 25, young, career and life is beginning...why didn't they tell you how hard it was to begin! Optimists tend to leave out those details!

Anchors

There are a few people in my life as I've moved around from state to state, school to school, life to life, job to job, who have been my anchor. They are people who make me smile (sometimes cry) and get me through all that life throws my way.

Momma C Bee

I am just like her. Except she's stronger lady than I am. She's just not my mom any more, we have grown into best buddies. We're stubborn and sensitive and competitive, but that means she gets me in every way. It's comforting to know I'm not alone. I love my mom and I love that we're so much alike.

Dad :)

The kindest, most patient man on the planet who would do anything for his family. I wouldn't be anywhere without his encouragement and positive outlook on life. I'm a daddys girl and love watching sports with him and talking to him about anything under the sun!

Cortny "Beef" Bates

My sis...we didn't always get along when we were younger but that's probably because I was wicked annoying! She's a great listener, so creative and always giving me good ideas and encouragement to live life to the fullest. Love you beety. Ps...she'll be mad about this pic but I barely have any recent ones with her and I made sure we both looked a little goofy... :D

Timbo Slice

He must be a magician because he knows how to disappear!! ;) STILL through everything we've been through and how different we are, he's still my best friend and the person who's been with me through all my moves and a quiet warrior in my life. Sometimes we look at each other, utterly stumped, and say "I don't get you!!!!" But we laugh and know that's just the way life is! My brother is a genius and I'm proud of where he's going.

Ms. Aylor

True friends can be found and I found one in Kourtney Aylor. Though we live in different states and got off to a rocky start, she has been there for me the whole time through these past few years. We are both feisty and expressive and super passionate people. We have so many similarities and have found a way to keep contact even with our hectic schedules. She's a great friend and a true competitor and someone who challenges me and makes me smile. Thanks Kourt.

Love

The love of my life. We've been through so much together and so much apart as well. After moving away we somehow found our way back together. Though relationships can be stressful and a lot of work (especially a distance relationship), he makes me laugh, smile and enjoy every second with his stubbornness :) He challenges me and loves me just the way I am. Though we don't get one another sometimes and we are totally different, we connect so well and find joy in a lot of the same things. Love being with him and he would do anything for me.

I do have other great friends and family members that I adore and bring me joy in life but just wanted to highlight some of them. I couldn't get through this journey without them and without those who support them as well. Thank you and I look forward to every moment with all of you as this life of obstacles and wonder continues.

Is Something Wrong

From time to time I feel like there is something wrong with me...I know people close to me have heard me say it. Each time its heard, it is denied. According to those I love there is nothing wrong with me...it's just a part of who I am. Feeling overly sensitive, overwhelmed, out of sorts, too emotional...that's part of me. I should believe those who deny there's something wrong because these people know and love me best.

BUT I still feel that way, and isn't that what matters? (That's not ALL that matters but how I feel and think about myself is important). I go through times where I feel stronger and less anxious than ever, then it comes roaring back like a tidal wave. And I've been knocked down a few times. I envy the people who can separate feelings from reality, or those who can become numb to a situation or feeling. It must be so nice to get away from a feeling you don't want or a feeling that isn't true. THEN I think...well that wouldn't be me at all if I wasn't sensitive...would having those "gifts" of separating emotion make me a different person entirely? From what I've heard, that's one of the reasons people are drawn to me...I'm very animated, sensitive, thoughtful and energetic (because that brain of mine is always cranking 24/7). Then again, it can cause people frustration and, more importantly, ME frustration!

I don't really want to change myself because of what other people think or how they react, it's more that it's so tiring having so many doubts and emotions tied into what I care about most. I HAVE learned to drop things that don't concern me or that aren't my burdens to bare, which has been a great blessing, BUT as I've said before, I'm a work in progress. I think everyone should be. I mean, yes, if you like who you are GREAT, but there is always something to reflect on, right?

So the consensus...is there something wrong with me? Probably not, but that doesn't mean that I don't get frustrated or feel that there is sometimes. I don't want to feel like dying when there is a bunch on my plate...obviously not a great feeling. I need to learn to be dependent on myself, not other people or things to make me happy and I think THAT is where I'm struggling. Yes, people I love should be nice to me and it should bother me if they aren't, BUT it shouldn't ruin my life or even my day...yet it seems that way sometimes.

I apologize for those who hear me say negative things about myself. It's sad and yet another thing I'm working on. I'm way to hard on myself.

Another realization...I say "I, myself, me...etc" a lot. All this year I've been working on being a better me...and that's causes a little self absorbency. Hopefully, I'll work myself outta that tendency.

I've had a lot on my mind, especially since my grandma passed away and work is slow. I just pray for peace and patience. I want to love this time of my life!

Love and Fear

"Don't be afraid to fall in love, it's the only thing that matters in life. Fall in love with as many things as possible."

I heard this on a movie the other night and paused and rewinded to catch it again...the movie had a horrible ending but that's beside the point. I love this quote. It's so easy to be scared to fall in love, whether it be with a person, an idea, a passion...it's scary because the feeling of love is so strong and passionate that if it goes away or is taken from you or lost, it hurts more than we can imagine. It's scary because a lot is unknown...uncertain...uncharted waters. BUT the other side of loving someone or something is that it can bring you more joy and elation that you ever thought possible. It's like you never want to come down from the high it gives you.

I liked the fact that it said fall in love with as many things as possible...life is so short, so unscripted and unforgiving that the love you have for things and people or ideals is what keeps us moving on each day...the loss of them can also stop the movement of life it seems though.

Love is scary, no matter where it's placed. It's hard. God, a boyfriend, husband, a friend, a career, a hobby, a political stand....it all requires so much effort on your part to love something, it's so much of yourself.

Love hasn't always been kind to me...especially since I tend to dive into the few things that I truly love and value...its not always reciprocated or giving back as much as I'm putting in. It's very rare to find a person or thing that gives back what you put in...but thats what you search and strive for in life isn't it?

Love is worth it. Scary as hell and not always kind, but fight for what you want and realize when its not best for you and to move on and don't get down when love fails...I've had to tell myself that before.

What a great quote from a horrible movie ;)

Time waits for no one, take control of your life and your love and your heart.