It Just Came To Me...

Not the Blue, but I like the fur on this...

My best friend, beety (my sister) and I were talking about decorating my new place. I was so perplexed on where to even begin...I've never had a STYLE to decorate in. There are things that I like, but everything these days is so cold and uninviting. I knew I wanted something warm, cozy, inviting, and unique. My sister is an amazing decorator, designer, dresser...anything creative, she's good at it. She gave me some pointers and advice from years of experience. With all the blog searching I still didn't see anything I liked. Then it just came to me...a cabin/rustic feel, but with a modern twist (as beet put it). Plaids, warm colors and creams, some leather, fur, cozy blankets, candles, antlers, navajo pattern, wood, and of course, the buck I shot in January:) I have pictures on my computer at work, but I'll put some others up that I found tonight and add the others tomorrow. Enjoy. I'm so excited:) Thanks beet and beef for the support:)

Me v. Me

"But the treasure in disappointments is that they serve as opportunities for me to get my heart right."

I swear it feels like I'm bipolar sometimes. I go from being really happy and on top of the world, to just down right sad and unhappy. I don't think I've smiled once today and if I have, its been fake. Is it me? Or is this just how life is? I just want SOME sort of consistency will my feelings, relationships, and all around demenour. Maybe that's too much to ask with my personality. I try SOOOO hard to keep it cool, and yet inside I just want to explode and lash out.

Life is so short and unfair sometimes. It's almost cruel. Sometimes I wonder why does God have us go through this "game" of life. Yes, hard times and short comings bring you closer to Him, but seriously...it just seems like a downright retarded joke sometimes. It doesn't make sense! Maybe I'm just not looking at it right, I don't know.

I've had numerous talks with my parents about these random thoughts and feelings. I wish I was more like them...they have a much brighter, more positive outlook on things than I do.

Sometimes I just want to stop hoping, stop trying so hard, stop worrying, stop waiting, stop getting my spirits/hopes up for something good and just stroll along life's path. Unfortunately, my personality doesn't cater to that idea. But my dad says to NOT stop hoping, to look forward to those good things that happen and that I have so many exciting things ahead of me. Well the past few days it hasn't felt like it, but knowing me, a week from now I'll have some blog or facebook post stating how happy I am and how great things are.

I've just been thinking a lot lately and sitting here at work needing to get something typed out before bursting into tears, which I want to do so badly for some reason. I get SO annoyed with myself and wish I was different sometimes. Being sensitive and highly tuned into feeling and emotion isn't that great all the time.

Ever argue with yourself? I do it all the time, telling myself to chill out, calm down, shut up, smile, give up, etc etc. My brain never shuts up lately.

All I want is balance and consistancy. Something that makes everything right with the crazy world, where people die young, people change their minds, people hurt one another, lies, disappointments. I should probably rely on God more for this stability. That's for sure. But I'm struggling to do so.

What's Cracka Lackin'?!

I work 14hr days and don't get much sleep and have a lot to catch up on, but when I get home at 1015 at night I'm singing and bouncing around....how....I do not know.

I do know that I'm happy and things in my life are going in a good direction. I'll be out on my own again soon and I'm blessed to have some great people in my life.

JOB!

Got a job!!! Praise the Lord! Life is looking up. Moving to Frisco soon!

Profound Statement

"Within Love is Pain, Within Pain is Hope, and Within Hope is Life."

One of my favorite quotes that has been on my mind the last few days. No matter how bad life gets, at least you're still breathing...you never know what each day, each minute is going to bring. Through the bad, good comes out...

Love does bring pain, but one morning you wake up and the pain isn't so bad anymore...hope...and hope brings the promise and possibility of life and restoration. That's how I look at it anyway. I'm glad the sun is shining and its a little cooler and that I'm running again. There are other positives and possibilities in my life but just wanted to leave these little thoughts.

Wearing A Smile

Peeps, I'm pretty happy. I finally sleep well at night and smile and laugh. Sure, there are things that I should be stressed about and worried about, but I know I did the right thing coming here. I miss some people back in the Falls, but this move was great for me. I've met some new people. Get to see my family everyday and have had some relaxation and fun.

Now, I'm not saying that my journey is complete or that there aren't things to work on because there are. I'm still finding who I am. Who Katie is without a guy, without people all around her, without the comfort zone. So far, I'm pleased with my progress.

If I can get a job, life will be grand instead of great.

I'm thankful for my friends and will be forever grateful for my family. I'm pretty sure I get on their nerves quite a bit (especially Mom and Dad).

I'm going to be me. I hate disappointing people, but I gotta do what I feel is okay/right. What makes me happy. I know there are some disagreements on what is right or what I should be doing. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm going about it the best, newest way I know how. I know there is something great out there for me and I'm on the search for it. I feel better about myself everyday for the most part. I've put up a little bit of a wall for protection, but I hope I don't seem bitter or rude. I'm pretty caring, affectionate and loyal, but I'm not just going to give those qualities to anyone anymore. They are for special people and must be earned. That may sound stupid, but I don't much care. Katie needs building up and each day I try and get a little higher.

I can't wait for my own place and job so I feel like an adult again. Home is nice though...food and such is nice to have around.

Thank you to anyone who has supported me and pushed me to be better. Even though I resist or don't get it right away, I'm trying.

I'm just so happy to smile again. Everyday.

New

Just moved to the dfw area...and I've smiled more in the last few days than I have in years. A lot to look forward to :)

Better Days Ahead

Well hello two readers! I've been in Plano with the rents for almost a week. I just don't feel like going back to Wichita Falls. Plus, yesterday I was diagnosed with strep throat...real fun. The doctor took one look in my mouth and was like "whoa...flaming strep throat!" start moving this weekend and finish up the following weekend. I'm really excited for my new life. I'll miss some people back in the falls though....not many, but some haha. My last three years in WF have been, overall, pretty rough. I've been through a lot there. Learned a lot about myself and went through more ups and downs than I could have ever imagined. The young lady that moved there in August 2007 is totally different now in September 2010...thank God. A little more bitter and cautious now, but definitely wiser and more well rounded. Not everything about WF has been bad. I've met some great people and made a couple of friends that will last a life time. I've done some really cool things as well.

But I'm anxious for new experiences and surroundings. This weekend I walked the streets of uptown...world of difference from the streets in Wichita Falls. SO much life and going on and things to do! I'll miss the backroads of the WF area though and the minimal traffic and Don Joses and how quiet it can be there. Each place has their pros and cons.

The pictures above are of this past weekend with my brother and his gf Kelsey, who I love. We had a great time and I look forward to being able to spend more time with them. I also can't wait to spend more time with my niece who I've been able to make smile and "talk" to me. I'm not really a kid person...I mean I've always been really good with kids, but just wasn't always my thing...especially little babies. But my little Lily Belle is precious and I can't stop staring at her. Plus, she likes spongebob, so we'll get along haha. I also had a job interview on Friday that went really well. I'm hoping to hear back soon. I'm really impatient and it's a job that I think would challange me, push me, and give me new experiences, job saavy and skills. But God will bring me what job I'm meant to have so I'm not nervous or worried for once. I wasn't even really that nervous before the interview. I mean, I know how to talk to people and sell myself (no not like a hooker haha) and if I'm meant to have this job, then it'll happen. All I can do is go in there, answer the questions they ask and just be myself.

This is one of my longer posts. I guess I just have a lot to say. Since I'm not working, I've really had more time to think, reflect. I have more to say...but some of it is just anger at people or situations...so I'll leave that out. I feel like my best days are ahead of me and I can't wait for them to come!

Red River

Had some fun last night at the red river in Oklahoma! Hadn't been there in a few years and it was nice to return! My jeep, camo boots, nice weather, full moon, stars, sand...everywhere, wading across the entire river, paul, mark, whiskey and coke, pictures, running, fire building attempts, mudding, rhyming, and such equals a great night with good friends. Thursday tradition of hanging out has been a blast!

Next up, my move to Dallas....really looking forward to starting over and exploring new opportunities!

Don't Mess With Me

Someday soon, this freckled face will be smiling, but right now, it looks like my dear friend patrick's face. Don't mess with me. This heart's had enough and I'm kickin' you punks to the side of the road!!!!!!

the end.

How Hard Is It?

Happiness is a state of mind or feeling characterized by contentment, love, satisfaction, pleasure, or joy.

Haven't truly been it in a long time. Looking for my happiness...where are you? I'm waiting. Searching.

-katie

lbb

Lily Belle Bates brings the words "beauty" and "precious" new meanings. I can't wait to get to know my niece and teach her how to burp ... actually, she could probably teach me a few things about that haha.

Fashion Post

I used to have another blog where I would post my outfits almost everyday. So I thought I would re-live that every once in awhile. I'm usually in cowboy boots and running clothes (not at the same time) these days, but I've been feeling inspired here and there. Enjoy.

ps pardon the no makeup...there is something wrong with my left eyelid so I'm giving it a break.

Friends

When you move around a lot all your life...you learn the value of true friends. Thank you to those who are true.

Afraid

I'm sitting here at work wondering if I've always been afraid.

I always felt like I was such a "go-getter"...never accepting defeat and getting and going anywhere necessary to make me happy.

Today...and lately...I now question that about myself. All I do is think these days.

I guess I'm afraid of hurting. Hurting someone else especially. It makes me sick to my stomach.

I've always hated disappointing people...so I usually asked an opinion and did what they said...but what about when you have a bunch of different people telling you something...what do you then? Not everyone can win. Not everyone can be satisfied. They say, "Katie...do what makes YOU happy. Do what YOU want." Pssshhh like I know what that is.

I'm so mad at myself it's ridiculous. So I'm trying to face the fear. I don't want to wake up every morning and hate my life.

Don't get me wrong, there are (and were) some great people in my life. Who love and support me and would do anything for me.

I'm sorry if I ever worry anyone, hurt anyone or make any one mad on this new journey I'm taking. As you've read before, those are things I hate most and what has held me back this whole time.

I gotta find who I am. I gotta stop being afraid. And those who really care will be there when I figure it out.

"God Katie you're an idiot and a wimp" is all I keep thinking. Just DO something already. Stop waiting for it to just present itself. DO SOMETHING! I yell this at myself, yet here I sit like some child crying at her desk...wanting someone else to do it for me, yet knowing that's not how it goes.

WHY can't I take this feisty and tenacious personality and apply it to the things I'm scared of?To get what I deserve? Who freakin' knows...but I do know I'll figure it out.

Wow, this is not one of my better posts. But I had to write something or I'd blow up. Seriously. Like my mom's blog said "Cowboy Up".

Katie...cowboy up.

Just a Hello

I haven't blogged in a few weeks. Work has picked up quite a bit for me and I've been really busy on the weekends...usually out of town! Life is kinda of stressful, but good. I leave tomorrow to go to Plano, then Thursday we fly out to Seattle for my grandpa's memorial service. I predict this trip will be a roller coaster of emotion. Pray for strength for my family and a bond that will be forever strengthened. I'm truly blessed for what and who I have in my life. I know I'm not perfect and I'm going about my life sometimes in a different way than most people expected, but I know God made me pretty special and I'm figuring out how to live up to my potential and be happy at the same time. I've made some great friends lately that mean a lot to me and keep me busy and always make sure I'm doing okay. Lots of decisions ahead and plenty of adventures that I look forward to.

True Outdoorsman

Though out of my two grandpa's I knew him the least, Bill Mathison still was very dear to my heart. A brilliant business man and investor, a traveler, and most of all, an outdoors-man. My grandpa and I got to share that passion the last year. In the last year or so I have grown to love the outdoors, hunting and fishing...something my grandpa lived and breathed for. He taught me to fly fish this summer...something I'll never forget and a time I'm thankful for and will cherish. He was so proud of me when I shot my first buck this past November. It was a way we connected more.

I loved his big hugs

I loved the way he smelled

I loved the penny loafers he always wore (whether with sweatpants or jeans)

I'll never forget that Cabela's fly fishing hat he never took off.

For some reason, his snore's in the camper will be missed.

He couldn't hear a thing, we were always repeating ourselves.

I smile remember him trying to tie a fly and cursing under his breath

I loved how he "always" was "right" haha

I'll miss how he walked...it was kind of slow, but steady and a man on a mission.

He had perfect form when casting...

I loved loved loved his laugh.

I'm glad I got to share special times with him before he left this earth and glad that he asked Christ into his heart a few weeks ago. I will see him again.

"Snake Farm, Pretty Much Is"

What a successful weekend in Waurika! I had such a great time! I filled my belly with good drinks and awesome food!...i realized I have this obsession with cheeeese fries!

Jeep top down, music blaring, Lorrie yelling at us to stop singing EVERY song, me doing the copperhead road dance in front of everyone, cheese fries, bones, dr pepper drink..., burger gone in 5 seconds, losing my beloved aviators, buying new stunna shades that I look ridiculous in, trying to bargain without success, twinkie hats, waiting to get the rattlesnake picture, brick lol, bathroom issues, sluts dancing, ohhh and the list goes on!

Lorrie, Chelb and I were all sad to leave the festivities and the warm sun...

I miss it already.