From time to time I feel like there is something wrong with me...I know people close to me have heard me say it. Each time its heard, it is denied. According to those I love there is nothing wrong with me...it's just a part of who I am. Feeling overly sensitive, overwhelmed, out of sorts, too emotional...that's part of me. I should believe those who deny there's something wrong because these people know and love me best.
BUT I still feel that way, and isn't that what matters? (That's not ALL that matters but how I feel and think about myself is important). I go through times where I feel stronger and less anxious than ever, then it comes roaring back like a tidal wave. And I've been knocked down a few times. I envy the people who can separate feelings from reality, or those who can become numb to a situation or feeling. It must be so nice to get away from a feeling you don't want or a feeling that isn't true. THEN I think...well that wouldn't be me at all if I wasn't sensitive...would having those "gifts" of separating emotion make me a different person entirely? From what I've heard, that's one of the reasons people are drawn to me...I'm very animated, sensitive, thoughtful and energetic (because that brain of mine is always cranking 24/7). Then again, it can cause people frustration and, more importantly, ME frustration!
I don't really want to change myself because of what other people think or how they react, it's more that it's so tiring having so many doubts and emotions tied into what I care about most. I HAVE learned to drop things that don't concern me or that aren't my burdens to bare, which has been a great blessing, BUT as I've said before, I'm a work in progress. I think everyone should be. I mean, yes, if you like who you are GREAT, but there is always something to reflect on, right?
So the consensus...is there something wrong with me? Probably not, but that doesn't mean that I don't get frustrated or feel that there is sometimes. I don't want to feel like dying when there is a bunch on my plate...obviously not a great feeling. I need to learn to be dependent on myself, not other people or things to make me happy and I think THAT is where I'm struggling. Yes, people I love should be nice to me and it should bother me if they aren't, BUT it shouldn't ruin my life or even my day...yet it seems that way sometimes.
I apologize for those who hear me say negative things about myself. It's sad and yet another thing I'm working on. I'm way to hard on myself.
Another realization...I say "I, myself, me...etc" a lot. All this year I've been working on being a better me...and that's causes a little self absorbency. Hopefully, I'll work myself outta that tendency.
I've had a lot on my mind, especially since my grandma passed away and work is slow. I just pray for peace and patience. I want to love this time of my life!
You are right....what you believe to be true is very important. Better to strive to be better than to settle for 'this is how I am....so get over it' attitude. Change is harder than just getting by. It won't always be like this....you've grown....however, when you're in the middle of it.....and don't know what's ahead...you look back because you already know where you've been. "Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do; forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead," Phil 3:12. I love you the world puff.....this old world would be worse off without your precious presence.
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